Sex, Love and High Monogamy
We now live in a decade of a more apparent social change: recreational sex has become the new norm, while love eccentric views have become taboo. But what does this mean for the “relationships” of the future? Are we perhaps facing the reality of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, wherein the word love has become a dirty word?
The sexual revolution of the 60’s culminated with an ever increasing availability of erotic books, magazines, movies, other media (i.e. Reality T.V. and the internet) and the pill, has spurred a sense of inhibition which was meant to level the playing field between men and women and more so in the west, to apparently set women free from the sexual hypocrisy of their male counterparts. But are women today truly happy with what has been achieved? According to many surveys, women are emotionally disappointed with the fruit borne from the sexual revolution.
One night stands, friends with benefits, and recreational sex has made intercourse “divorced not only from love and creation but also from empathy, compassion, morality, responsibility, and sometimes even common politeness,” says George Leonard, author of “The End Of Sex.” Leonard feels that recreational sex is “part of the ubiquitous, deadly modern game in which human beings become objects.” In other words, people engaging in sexual acts are simply bodies in movement; there is no emotional or spiritual connection necessary to allow you to truly “see” the other person.
According to Leonard, sex has “become something you “have.” You have a car, you have dinner, you have a swim, you have the chicken pox…and you have sex. This linguistic carelessness is symptomatic of an essential flaw in modern thought…Sex can be and often is specialized and standardized. Love is always unique and one of a kind.”
Sex without commitment and monogamy is impersonal, yet reliable, predictable and ironically, requires less risk. Love relationships on the other hand, especially one of “high monogamy”, is personal, unpredictable, and requires trust, growth and commitment. “But love can be threatening, much more so than late-night pickups at singles bars. Love involves risk, the possibility of pain, rejection, failure. And that is precisely what gives it its savage and transforming power. The ultimate erotic challenge, in fact, lies not in racing from bed to bed, shirttails aflame, but in the quest of what I call High Monogamy: a long term relationship in which both partners are voluntarily committed to erotic exclusivity, not because of moral or religious scruples…but because it is what they want. Because they seek excitement and adventure through the love of another person,” Leonard remarks.
But society has become so fearful of High Monogamy, simply because it requires too much – patience, supportiveness, acceptance, open honesty, commitment and self love (otherwise known as self-esteem). More importantly, it requires devotion. For as the saying goes, if you want to experience the most interesting relationship of your life, simply stay in one. But most people today aren’t willing to take such a huge leap of faith; they tend to opt for predictability in order to avoid change and the unknown.
But something in our DNA motivates us to look for signs of real love and monogamy. We feel it when we see an old couple holding hands or learn that one has been together for over 20 years. We wonder what their secret is, and how they were able to move beyond sex, even beyond love. It’s at such moments that we notice that those couples move as one, separate but the same. “High Monogamy is not a mere fusion, not a mutual loss of self. It is the reassertion of a more fundamental self, explainable only through paradox: the more I am truly myself, the more I can be truly one with you. The more I am truly one with you, the more I can be truly myself. The paradox is inescapable,” say Leonard.
It seems that just maybe, High Monogamy is the highest evolution of oneself. Facing our own shortcomings, past mistakes or damages pushes us into a state of such vulnerability that in order to overcome our own demons, we must surrender our spiritual selves to the universe, and remember that the momentary pleasures that our bodies feel, limit us to the extraordinary and complete experience of love and oneness with another soul and more outstandingly, ourselves.
Sex was once synonymous with love, but over the decades, they have been so broken apart by social “progress” that the easy access and immediate satisfaction for intimacy in one, has rendered the other obsolete or replaceable by more material matter. But instead of second guessing our “happiness” and “freedom” most have found it easier to except the idea of the stepford wife robot, online affairs, sex without love, love of objects or in some societies, separation from the real world all together.
Love was once a passion so intense between two people that sex was a mere expression of it, meant to literally create life between couples who wanted to bear witness over the fruit of their deep love. But now, it’s become the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; many speak of it, some claim they’ve reached it, but most think it’s fanciful thinking.
It seems the only way to avoid the reality of Huxley’s Brave New World from coming true, is to take a long look in the mirror, see ourselves truly and admit that amidst all our material things, the only real thing in this world is love, and that our interactions should be extended expressions of it. However, this is not to condemn casual encounters. But to understand why the quantity of such human encounters over quality, rarely fulfills our core spiritual needs for evolution and connection may be the answer to the shift we all need to make together in order to truly achieve equality.
Written by Jade Kira, August 2011